Ten Rules for Successful Relationships

by Lance Webster

Here’s a list of rules for a successful, joyful relationship. They apply to any kind of relationship, and each rule applies to both parties in the relationship:

Rule 1: Be committed to the other person's success, happiness and well being. From time to time that means making compromises willingly and lovingly -- giving up things you want in order to support the other person. It means listening -- hearing their concerns, needs, hopes, dreams, plans and progress -- and providing loving support however you can.

Rule 2: Have no secrets. This means having an excellent level of open communication and trust. It means discussing the nature of the relationship in depth, and keeping up to date with both of your needs. It means making commitments and sticking to them.

Rule 3: Refrain from speaking or acting in a way that diminishes your partner. Don’t make him/her feel bad, incomplete, inferior or just plain 'wrong' about his or her actions, feelings, beliefs, tastes. It applies both ways, and it takes practice. Make a game of it by finding a code word or phrase you can each use to signal a problem. And use "I" messages that let your partner know how you feel. You can both explore what was said and why you felt what you felt. You will both be richer for the conversation.

Rule 4: Avoid the need to be right. It’s annoying to the people around you, especially to your significant other. Let the other person be heard, and to listen with an open mind...and to allow yourself to be wrong and admit it.

Rule 5: Stop insisting on having your way. This is different from 'being right,’ but also involves listening, accepting input, making compromises, sometimes doing something you may not want to do. Allow your partner to have a say or share in determining what will happen. Give in when appropriate. Look at your relationship as a partnership of equals... and sometimes your partner is going to be the one in charge.

Rule 6: Recognize when you are justifying yourself, and cut it out. You have no need to justify yourself.

Rule 7: Stop sabotaging your partner. He/she is a full partner and deserves your attention, your respect, your love and your full support. Give these things continuously and unsparingly.

Rule 8: Take care of issues on the spot when they arise. Don’t let them fester. The more you practice direct, open communication without attributing motives to the partner, without attacking, without justifying and invalidating, the easier it will be to deal with things as they come up, and not carry grudges.

Rule 9: Play together. Find time to do joyful, fun things you both enjoy. Make this a regular habit.

Rule 10: Ground your relationship in love. There are only two places to come from at any given moment in a relationship -- love, or fear. Usually what which comes up first and most strongly is fear. Fear is at the root of accusing, mistrusting, lying, not communicating, dominating, justifying, not hearing what’s being said -- or mishearing. Fear is the great destroyer. Practice coming from love - that is, your commitment to your partner’s happiness, success and well being.

Sound easy? Well, if these rules don’t come naturally to you, it will take time, practice and above all, good communications between you both. And the best time to start is right now.

© 2008 Lance Webster, LW Communications & Coaching