“Love Your Critics”

by Lance Webster

If, as the saying goes, you can approach all things from only two basic places, 'love' and 'fear,' how do you deal with criticism? Criticism from the boss, a lover, a parent -- do you tend to take it personally?

Criticism causes feelings of inadequacy -- of being wrong, bad, misguided, ignorant, or out of style. We react emotionally at first to our inner feelings about ourselves, a normal, human reaction. Then as a defense we attempt to deal with the critics. We attack, make them wrong, try to invalidate them and so invalidate their comments. We may even become angry, lash out, argue, and so say 'it's you that's wrong, not me.'

We might withdraw, pout, avoid the person who criticized us. Or we might strike out indirectly with 'passive-aggressive' behavior, go behind his or her back while avoiding direct confrontation. Or we might react by trying harder to be perfect, and then suffer the guilt that comes when we fall short of exaggerated expectations. In any case, relationship and productivity are sacrificed.

There is a more productive way to approach criticism. No matter what you may believe to be your critic's motives, create this one: "They are contributing to me out of love." Examine what they said, and take from it what is of value. Set aside any nascent or entrenched feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or inappropriateness. Instead, look at what is so. Sure, maybe your critic just wants the satisfaction of belittling you and seeing you become upset. Don't go there. The only light down that tunnel is an oncoming train!

Create for yourself that what they really want is for you to be better, more effective, more attractive. Express sincere appreciation for their criticism, and ask them to help you change or improve. When you are criticized and start to do the human thing (that is, react out of fear) you become defensive, hostile or withdrawn. Catch yourself. Instead come from love and appreciation of your critic.

Criticism is only a threat if you choose it to be. Choose it as loving contribution instead, no matter what the critic may intend. You can actually alter your critic and over time create in him or her the loving, respectful person you want them to be.

© 2008 Lance Webster, LW Communications & Coaching