WHAT’S ALL THE BIG DEAL ABOUT SELF ESTEEM?

by Lance Webster

I recently added a book to my coaching library that I recommend for any parents: "100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Teach Values," by Diane and Julia Loomans (published by MJF Books, NY.)

First, I love books with lists. This book is chock full of great lists. And as I browsed these lists, I thought of relationships I have known – family, friends, colleagues, clients, folks on Jerry Springer – you know, the usual culprits. I also thought of the many Gays and Lesbians having or adopting children. When you consider that 53% of straight folks’ pregnancies are reputed to be ‘unwanted,’ it’s a safe bet that when Gays and Lesbians have kids, which – let’s face it – ain’t as easy to do, they are really really wanted! So right off the bat, the kid have a head start over half the straights. But still, some training might be useful.

This book has lists such as "Nine Reasons Not to Use Physical or Verbal Violence," which, above and beyond the value of the list is an important reminder that not all violence is physical. That reminded me of a book I consider a ‘must read" for anyone who interacts with other people. (Hey…that’s all of us). It’s called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

Ever notice how there’s a lot of mock verbal abuse in the GLBT world? It’s a legacy of an earlier time when we were all closeted and had to toughen ourselves to "faggot" jokes and comments in the world around us. So we were tough on ourselves. But there was a big element of self-hate there. And it manifested as a form of ‘verbal abuse’ which eats away at self esteem big time.

Well, now we have come out to the degree that when someone tells a faggot joke in our presence, we have the community support to call them on their prejudice. (At least I hope you do.) My preferred way is to make sure, without rubbing my sexuality in anyone’s face, that all the people I know and work with and hang out with know my sexual orientation. That keeps the nasty jokes at bay, and provides them with a valuable Gay role model. And…for the curious…someone to talk to and get advice from.

But back to the self esteem book. Right after the ‘Nine Reasons’ mentioned above, there’s a list of "33 Alternatives to Physical and Emotional Violence." Wow. Who knew there were so many options to putting someone down!

Then there’s a list of "Five Ways to Say ‘I Love You" to your child creatively. Example: "The Morning Question: Ask your chld when you wake up in the morning, ‘How would you like to be lived today?’" You know what…if my ex and I had done that every morning with each other, I bet we’d still be together!

Self Esteem can be a fragile thing. Life starts building it up or chipping it away in our earliest childhood, and the process continues till we die.

The bottom line, folks, from Coach Lance, is this: Be positive with the people in your life. No put-downs. No making people wrong. No nasty snide comments. No unnecessary defensiveness. No phony self-righteousness. No ‘So, you screwed up again, like you always do!” No “How many times do I have to tell you....”

Instead, look for ways to express your appreciation for the people in your life. Look for ways to say "thank you," and "I appreciate you,"”How can I help you,” "I love you," and even "I’m sorry – I apologize. What can I do to make it up to you?" (Yes, love DOES sometimes mean saying you’re sorry….and meaning it.)

© 2008 Lance Webster, LW Communications & Coaching